Honesty

Honesty.

I think I have to long been a dishonest man.

The words that roll of my liars tongue are hollow.

A mirror to the empty decay that rots away my insides.

So, maybe it is time to be a honest man.

The world around me seems so distant so far from me.

A window to the feelings of loss and desperation.

Now I think back to my sins and cry, a broken man.

The wait now is for absolution, but the gods are so far away.

A doorway to my regrets like an ocean of abysmal despair.

So, maybe it is time to profess, I am a broken man.

The water I stare into mocks the failure in my eyes.

A deep blue storm of failure and dishonesty.

I think though, I have been too long a bad man.

The wash out of infinite failure bemoans my infinite sorrows.

A bed without you, but at least there is some wine left in that bottle.

So, with that warm red liquid dancing on my tongue.

The wine is a bargain, I sell my health and sanity for strength.

A red wave that allows me to beg for a moments pardon as the tears fall.

I think that I don't have the strength to go on.

The joke is that I tried to take my life again.

A force outside of me resuscitated me at the hospital.

So, if I am to be an honest man I must confess.

Waking up there broke me more than ever.

Those well meaning people who saved my life only prolonged my suffering.

And your fears are well founded Vince,

You are most likely to lose me to this world that I hate so much.

Because I don't have the strength everyday to stop the pain.

Dedicated to the Memory of a Woman I Loved.

Dedicated to the Memory of a Woman I Loved.

So I sat down with a woman who reminded me of you,

She had come across the sea from your native land,

I laughed and smiled, but felt my heart sink deeper,

Because in my memory of you, I think of what I almost had.

And so I looked across the table and listened to her story,

It was one of happiness and the kind of future I wanted,

She had married a nice British man, she had a lovely daughter,

I smiled more, laughed at the jokes and the sill words I still remembered,

Of your face that I can still see when I close my eyes,

I can almost remember your touch on my skin,

To that I can almost still taste you on my lips,

Because you made me feel like I wasn't so lost,

And you made me feel like I could be loved,

That with your arms entangled in mine I could let go,

I could find repentance for my sins.

And you made me feel like I could be loved.

You made me feel that I could let go of the hate,

And with your hand in mine I could never feel envy,

Who could really want anything more,

Than a woman who had showed me forgiveness.

I could let go of my hate, and free myself from my anger,

And in love finally find the peace my mind had begged for,

The happiness my soul had yearned for,

But the cowardice that weighed around my neck dragged,

It dragged me further down to my own hell,

The one I made on this earth, I made of my life,

So I pushed you away because I needed you so much,

And now I lay alone on my floor broken, shattered crushed,

And every day that gets further away from when I was happy,

I sink deeper into the cracks as my life drains,

And every day my heart cries for the future I almost had,

I laugh the sorrows away because some people are meant to suffer.

Sanglante: Alojzy

Sanglante: Alojzy

Brother Thomas heard the Hussars approaching. He stood up from his notes and called for a few knights to greet his allies. “Prince Alojzy, it is a pleasure to see you. Here to do the lords work with us I suppose?”

Alojzy dismounted his horse and embraced Thomas. “Yes good knight, we will defeat these pagans and drive them from Christendom.” The hussars cheered.

Thomas brought a map out and began to show the prince. “You see, these are the locations of there temples. Destroying them is the first step in cleansing these devil worshipers from the land.”

As the prince looked it over he noticed the marks around one temple in particular, “Thomas, what is so special about this place?”

The knight smiled. “It is a sacred grove, in it is rumored to be one of the oldest pagan temples in existence. Not only that, it houses something of a library where the documents and texts of their superstitions are kept. Breaking it will render most of the other shrines inconsequential.”

Alojzy looked over the terrain between the temple and their forces. Alojzy motioned for a servant to bring the men some wine. They drank and steeled there nerves. There was an ocean of blood Christ demanded from his apostles on Earth, an deluge to cleanse it of non-believers. Thomas's grandfather had fought for Jerusalem! And now he was here out in the sticks fighting over forests, for what....

Ecumenical politics, the crusades in the East were meant to distract them all from the catastrophic defeats they were suffering in the Holy Land. Soon it would be decades before a christian pilgrim could see the shrines of Christ. And yet the pope and the emperor had Thomas and his knights fighting in Lithuania. What even was Lithuania, a vast dark jungle full of devils between the Kingdom of the Poles and that of the Rus.

Thomas Stared at the maps, the wine was slowly overtaking him. He looked at Alojzy, “We are no longer fighting just for God, nor to assist the noble Polish king against these goddess pagans. Do you know what we really want prince?”

Alojzy smiled, “Brother you have had too much wine, tomorrow my hussars and your knights will bring a torrent of souls to Christ. They will convert before our crosses or upon our lances.” At these words he patted Thomas, smiling and walking away toward the Hussar encampment.

Thomas stood there and watched his ally walk away. His knights weren't fighting for these poles, nor Christ. He knew he wanted to carve out a Teutonic kingdom in the east, a brotherhood of cross and sword, a permanent scar in the land. The pagans once called the area Prussia. Yes, Thomas thought, Prussia will be a good name for there kingdom.