From the stand point of empty bottles wasted days and shattered dreams,

Its a vantage I'm just too comfortable with. I'm too engrossed in apathy to really stop the constant progress of self destruction I unleash on myself daily. I fight against it some days, but never with all my heart. And although I would love to say it's because my heart is with you, it's not. The truth is I want to be an honest man. I want to live authentically, and all my philosophies tell me I can't. Live that is. If to live or at least to live a life of some merit we must act on our beliefs, or at least maintain that they are true. I don't believe in much, its mostly all nihilism I guess. How does a nihilist get better How do you conquer depression, addiction, and loneliness without just a bit of faith? Its not something easy and more times than not I'm retreating into a bottle. So how do you believe in hope when hope is antithetical to the few scraps of philosophy you have left? How do you stay clean when facing the day effaces all you strength? Dare I laugh? Dare I pretend for a few moments, even a few months that things are ever ok? Or that they will ever be ok again? Instead I just wait on short term cures trying to hold back a torrent of self consuming darkness that swims in my blood. How do I talk to someone about how I feel when I feel we don't speak the same language. Because the words we exchange are never what I mean, it's the same fashion as going on living when you see no point. So I go on speaking when no one can understand the words. And I think the joke is at the bottom of a few more bottles and a couple more bags, so at least I can laugh when my heart finally stops.